Famous last words as "they" say, but I am done with moving house. You'd think after 10+ times, it would be a doddle. But this one has been much more difficult and unsettling. I've felt completely disoriented even though we've only moved 40 kms from the Sydney CBD "up" to the Northern Beaches for a "sea change".
I can still do all the things I used to do though it takes a bit longer to get there. The apartment and its location on the edge of a golf course are a dream. So what's the big deal?
Normally, key in hand, walking through the door of the empty new place for the first time, is exciting. A new life awaits. The empty rooms yearn to be filled with the things you love. Outside, the neighbourhood beckons to be explored. Walks along the beach and Pittwater and in the nearby National Park offer endless prospects of an idyllic retirement. So much to look forward to.
Am I looking back instead of looking forward? OK, you've got me there. This move has some of the ambivalence I've never previously experienced. There was of course the move to New Zealand and the moment I nearly decided not to go because I read a book about life in New Zealand which said that on Friday night everyone went to the pubs which closed at 6pm so they all had to drink themselves silly in an hour which caused them to all throw up all over the place (which was why all the pubs had to have sawdust on the floors) ... and other such frighteners which no doubt had elements of truth.
Am I dwelling too much on things I am going to miss? Some. Most of all it's the friends who are no longer just around the corner I will miss. Perhaps it's that niggling feeling that I no longer want to make new friends because I'll just "lose" them too at some time in the future. We can no longer lie in bed and look out of our windows through the vicissitudes of time and light at that section of the magnificent Sydney Harbour. In reality, I have not given that a second thought since I have been here.
Am I grieving for what I have lost? Perhaps though the question I should be asking is what have I lost? I should remind myself I have lost nothing and gained a lot. Though I will say that of all the neighbourhoods we have lived in the last two - Adliswil in Switzerland and Milsons Point in Sydney - have been the best of our lives. Just as well Milsons Point came after Switzerland as that really was the high point for me.
Was the moving experience itself bruising? Most definitely. It was the most stressful move I have ever experienced. But having vented about it to my aerobics class and a couple of wonderful friends, I have moved on and put it behind me so no more about that right now.
Why am I not so utterly thankful for my great good fortune and wonderful new life that most of the world's population would give anything to have? Well of course I am but ...
Some of my problem is the degree of enthusiasm with which I have made the move - I have not been utterly convinced it is the right thing. But as you get older and being rational about the future, there appear to be less options. Not being a gambler, we have perhaps thought about our future far too carefully. Perhaps retirement is just the moment when you should throw everything to the wind. I remind myself it's never too late - we can still do that if we choose.
There is really only one room in the house left with stuff all over the floor so given that it is less than two weeks since we moved, we are actually doing OK. Yesterday I was finally able to clean the house with a degree of certainty that the process of moving would not immediately render the effort wasted. But there have been so many times in the past two weeks when I have just wanted this to be over.
Each day feels a bit better and I can see things a little more clearly and there's no reason to believe this state will not continue. No amount of preparing yourself for a stressful situation leads to complete avoidance of stress, I tell myself. But as I said to Richard at one point, it's not the facts that determine my state of mind as it is in his case being the rational person he is. It's how I feel about it. Now that I have moved "up" and moved in, am I ready to move on? I am not sure but I think so.
Today for the first time I am looking up local stuff like the Northern Beaches Friday market. Well it won't have the charm of Burkliplatz or the convenience of Kirribilli but perhaps there will be other enticements. Has opportunity come knocking on my door at last? Is it today that I seize the day and get on with my new life with gusto? What do you think?
I can still do all the things I used to do though it takes a bit longer to get there. The apartment and its location on the edge of a golf course are a dream. So what's the big deal?
Normally, key in hand, walking through the door of the empty new place for the first time, is exciting. A new life awaits. The empty rooms yearn to be filled with the things you love. Outside, the neighbourhood beckons to be explored. Walks along the beach and Pittwater and in the nearby National Park offer endless prospects of an idyllic retirement. So much to look forward to.
Am I looking back instead of looking forward? OK, you've got me there. This move has some of the ambivalence I've never previously experienced. There was of course the move to New Zealand and the moment I nearly decided not to go because I read a book about life in New Zealand which said that on Friday night everyone went to the pubs which closed at 6pm so they all had to drink themselves silly in an hour which caused them to all throw up all over the place (which was why all the pubs had to have sawdust on the floors) ... and other such frighteners which no doubt had elements of truth.
Am I dwelling too much on things I am going to miss? Some. Most of all it's the friends who are no longer just around the corner I will miss. Perhaps it's that niggling feeling that I no longer want to make new friends because I'll just "lose" them too at some time in the future. We can no longer lie in bed and look out of our windows through the vicissitudes of time and light at that section of the magnificent Sydney Harbour. In reality, I have not given that a second thought since I have been here.
Am I grieving for what I have lost? Perhaps though the question I should be asking is what have I lost? I should remind myself I have lost nothing and gained a lot. Though I will say that of all the neighbourhoods we have lived in the last two - Adliswil in Switzerland and Milsons Point in Sydney - have been the best of our lives. Just as well Milsons Point came after Switzerland as that really was the high point for me.
Was the moving experience itself bruising? Most definitely. It was the most stressful move I have ever experienced. But having vented about it to my aerobics class and a couple of wonderful friends, I have moved on and put it behind me so no more about that right now.
Why am I not so utterly thankful for my great good fortune and wonderful new life that most of the world's population would give anything to have? Well of course I am but ...
Some of my problem is the degree of enthusiasm with which I have made the move - I have not been utterly convinced it is the right thing. But as you get older and being rational about the future, there appear to be less options. Not being a gambler, we have perhaps thought about our future far too carefully. Perhaps retirement is just the moment when you should throw everything to the wind. I remind myself it's never too late - we can still do that if we choose.
There is really only one room in the house left with stuff all over the floor so given that it is less than two weeks since we moved, we are actually doing OK. Yesterday I was finally able to clean the house with a degree of certainty that the process of moving would not immediately render the effort wasted. But there have been so many times in the past two weeks when I have just wanted this to be over.
Each day feels a bit better and I can see things a little more clearly and there's no reason to believe this state will not continue. No amount of preparing yourself for a stressful situation leads to complete avoidance of stress, I tell myself. But as I said to Richard at one point, it's not the facts that determine my state of mind as it is in his case being the rational person he is. It's how I feel about it. Now that I have moved "up" and moved in, am I ready to move on? I am not sure but I think so.
Today for the first time I am looking up local stuff like the Northern Beaches Friday market. Well it won't have the charm of Burkliplatz or the convenience of Kirribilli but perhaps there will be other enticements. Has opportunity come knocking on my door at last? Is it today that I seize the day and get on with my new life with gusto? What do you think?
Comments